Rate of Reality Absorption

OK. I fell off the practice wagon again. I’ve not been meditating or studying nor have I practiced any kind of mindfulness in any situation for weeks. I’d love to say that it’s because I’ve been horribly busy but the fact of the matter is, I’ve just been too lazy to do it. And too lazy to meditate? Now THAT’S lazy.

I do have one excuse I could feed you and this would be a fairly accurate reason – my meditation space got flooded about two weeks ago. Nothing major but with the constant, snow/rain/melt/snow cycle, getting the carpeting dry in there has been a bear. But I know that were the atmosphere in there pleasant, I still wouldn’t have done it. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

It hasn’t really gotten to me until the past couple of days. Now, I’m looking for something to jump start it. I did find something that’s a great resource. Shasta Abbey has produced a full English translation of the Shobogenzo and made it available online for free. This translation was a monumental task. Not only was the original written over 750 years ago and in Japanese but the concepts are pretty involved. Maintaining the original spirit of a document like this is hardly simple. Massive thanks to the Shasta Abbey.

Of course, someone too lazy to meditate a couple of times a day probably shouldn’t start reading the Shobogenzo.

I am going to take another stab at the Dhammapada though. I gave it what could only be described as a very cursory read a couple of years ago. That’s kind of like skimming the Bible.

I’m also going to try to make more of an effort of posting here. I just can’t deal with a breakup right now.

And of course, the big question: What have I learned?

Well, as fundamental a practice as Zen is, I (“we”, I’m sure) have been so trained all along to live another way, that these fundamentals are, well, difficult. There’s no coasting. Reality must be absorbed small, steady portions. Stop absorbing reality and you absorb, well, something else.

On Ike Turner and Jiminy Cricket

And that’s that.

It ended a week ago yesterday. Two days early for me as I decided I’d had enough. I won’t go into details. I’ll just say that this film was hands down the worst experience of my life.

A friend who also worked on this and I were talking one night and I related it to being bullied as a kid. As in those situations, it’s not like this situation was life or death. You can easily stop what happening just by standing up for yourself but you don’t – and that’s what hurts you. It’s not the things that other people do to you. It’s that you let them do these things. The fact that you let yourself be abused eats at your humanity.

I spoke with many people on the set who felt the same way. Phrases like “I don’ deserve this” and “never again” were bandied about frequently but now that it’s over everyone is talking about it in glowing terms, talking about how they can’t wait for the next one.

All I can do is shake my head, chuckle and wonder. I have to imagine that the afterglow has gotten to them. The bruises have healed and they only hear, “Ike loves you baby,” and so they swoon. Personally, I’m just happy to be back to real life. A steady job. Dogs to play with. A granddaughter to help raise. A loving wife to cuddle up to.

As for film making, I had an interesting conversation with one of the producers after a particularly grueling day. We talked about the desire for personal cinema. Movies that people make for themselves, inviting everyone else to come along for the ride if they like. Wouldn’t it be nice to see more films like this? Movies that weren’t made with a goal of being this summer’s big blockbuster but rather with the singular goal of telling a story. And not the same story that has been told countless times by countless people.

That’s where I’ve wanted to be all along. Small simple films that focus on telling a story. I don’t usually make New Year’s Resolutions but I do have one this year. I’m only doing my own work from now on. I’ve partnered up with a guy who is of the same mind and we have some good stuff planned for 2008.

So is that what there was to learn from this? Not quite. I already knew that Hollywood is not where it’s at for me. I already knew that real life was more important to me than the big show. I already knew what I wanted out of film making. So just what was there to learn here?

I deviated from my path. I chose a different road because it looked like it had been newly paved. It was a bad road, through a seedy section of town. Bad things happened there and when I got off that road, I was a little worse off. But I learned that I could have seen those bad things coming – in fact, I did see them coming – and could have avoided them.

My practice fell off in the days before the project started and was non-existant while it was going on. On one hand, it probably would have helped. On the other hand, I don’t think there was any knowledge that I didn’t already have that would helped in this situation. I knew what I needed to do but knowing what to do means nothing. It’s all about what you actually do.

I learned that Jiminy Cricket was right. “Always let your conscience be your guide.”

The Final Days of the Stress Circus

So with all the goings on involved in this film project I haven’t felt much like blogging about it. My time has been split pretty much evenly between working on it and bitching about working on it.

I went nuclear on the line producer this weekend. It was basically a matter of me saying, “I’ve had it and I want out,” and him calming me down and convincing me I didn’t. I think he was about 65% right. Honestly, I do want out but I’d be a fool to pass this up. I know that if I don’t do this, I’ll always wonder what I missed. I should be able to let that go but I can’t. Not yet anyway.

The one good thing that has come out of all of this is that it’s really made me appreciate my own work. Having had the opportunity to see how professionals do it, I now know two things. First, I know that my work stands up to theirs. Probably not from a box office perspective – which, if the various remakes and threequels are the standard against which I’m to be measured, isn’t breaking my heart – but certainly from an obviously subjective quality standard. Second, I know that I’d be infinitely happier making the films that I make on meager budgets, not losing any money and being proud of the work that I do than doing what amounts to volunteer work and going through this kind of stress circus to help someone else realize a dream that is purely monetary-based.

Do I sound bitter? Unfortunately, I think I am and that is not the fault of anybody involved with this film. It’s my fault and mine alone. I got involved with this project for the wrong reasons and now I’m not happy that it has not turned out the way I hoped. Was I made some false promises? Sure. Should I have seen those promises for what they were or more precisely did I and choose to pretend that I didn’t? Yes. I saw a shiny object and I gleefully picked it up. I should know better.

The obvious thing to do would have been to meditate on the decision first. Had I been mindful,  truly mindful, I could have seen this coming. It’s not like it was well-hidden. Of course, had I done that, I would have turned the job down and would have missed out on some great lessons about myself. Besides, this is no time for regret. No time for”should have”.

I have found one nice little diversion from the nightly beatings that have become my work on this project. When I get home from my regular job, I’ve got an inbox full of emails that must be answered. I start responding to them all and before I’m done, I start getting responses to my responses. After a couple of hours, I get to the point where I get five or ten minute breaks between emails. When that happens, I turn on my Wii and fire up Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07. I pick a course – often Pebble Beach because it reminds me of home – and play 18, sometimes 36, holes. Every time my computer beeps to let me know I have a new email, I put my hand up to indicate they must wait for me to finish the hole.

There is no “them” in Wii.

Fortunately, two weeks from today it will all be over. Even if this goes exceedingly well, it will be fortunate that it will be over. I need to get back to a place in my life that doesn’t involve these people and this film. A place that is about my wife and my kids and my granddaughter and the only true film career I have. The one I make for myself.

Which brings up another point. I have a friend that I make films with. He’s the one that I mentioned last time that turned down the chance to work on this film. I’m looking forward to getting back to working with him. When it comes to making films, he and I seem to be of an almost singular mind. We have a new project in mind for the summer that we both think will be very special. The kind of film we like to make. The kind of work we can be proud of. That sounds like perfection right about now.

My Altar v1

As I grew so fond of saying when I hung out on forums more, “this thread is useless without pics”.

Of course, those were usually threads about Norah Jones. This is about my altar. (See below)

Et Voilà!

It’s not as horribly bright as it looks. It’s just a bright flash in a somewhat dim room.

So I Built Me An Altar

It probably has to do with my time with the Catholics but I always felt that things like altars and statues and acts like genuflecting and prostrating and other such nonsense were best left for places of worship. Still, I was an altar boy and even though I got to be part of the show, the stage always fascinated me. I don’t know whether it was the fact that everything was oversized or the amount of gold leaf used or the way everyone magically went silent as they got close but there was something supremely reverent about it and I’m sure that’s what drew me to performing on actual stages when I grew older.

When I was younger and found out that Buddhists had altars in their homes, it creeped me out. I mean, as both a Catholic and an avid film goer, I knew that the only people who kept altars in their homes were people who performed ritual sacrifices. Everybody knows that, right?

But I had an Uncle who was a Buddhist. He was my first and for years my only real exposure to Buddhism. As I learned about my Uncle’s Buddhist practice, I found out that he too had an altar. Knowing that he was one of the most peaceful people in the world, I knew the sacrifice notion was just foolishness on my part and dropped it but I still never really understood the point.

As I began studying Buddhism myself, I read about how they were focalpoints to aid one in their practice. Yadda, yadda, yadda, blah, blah, blah – see, here’s the thing: Things can be explained to you and you can understand them mentally but until you experience those things for yourself, you don’t really get them.

A few years ago, when I first started to take an earnest interest in Buddhism, I found out that my Uncle was dying. I was told it would be soon so I made plans to get back out to San Francisco as soon as I could, which would have been about a week and a half. The night before I left, he passed away. It was a real blow because I was unable to see him and talk to him but knowing about his faith, I did feel a certain sense of peace. It was more about loss for me. I still went out to San Francisco to attend the funeral. When I arrived, I found out that the funeral was scheduled for the day after I was to leave. I had to be back at work on that day and couldn’t change my plans. So basically, I’d come to San Francisco for nothing, or so it seemed.

The day after I arrived, I decided to spend the day in The City by myself. I’d rented a car – a Jeep actually – so I figured I’d might as well put it to good use. The first place I went was the top of Bernal Heights. That’s one of the hills that rises up out of San Francisco’s streets and it’s the hill I grew up on. Sitting up on top of it early in the morning, I had a view that was mostly obscured by fog. Many would be disappointed but I live for the fog. Sitting in a blanket of thick, cold, fog make me happy in ways many people can not fathom. It’s not unlike sitting in front of a large blank movie screen. Sure, you could just see a big white sheet or you could see things appear. You could create your own movie in your head. Watching the fog is very much like that.

From there it was off to Noe Valley for juice and a bagel but then where? Somehow I ended up at a place I hated as a child. I ended up at my grade school. The site of many bullying sessions where I was the victim. The place where Vince, Omar, Kevin and I used to smoke pot during recess. (In 7^th grade, mind you. In 1977! So please stop with the “kids today” speeches.) I found a need to roam it’s halls. Perhaps see if one of the teachers I had might still be teaching and show them that I made it. But what do I find? It’s still summer vacation. The school is closed. Bastards.

So I wander down the block to the basilica. This is the place where I did some time as an altar boy, where later I played guitar in the somewhat hipper masses and where I eventually came to believe that God did not exist.

I entered and, as is still the case whenever entering any Catholic church, had to fight the urge to dip my hand in the font and cross myself. (They really get you when you’re young.) Moving into the church, I took a seat, near the back in case of a sudden lightning strike. I took a moment to settle in and take in the austerity of the place. Whoever designed the place, really understood the effect of architecture on the human psyche.

Once leveled, I notice the customary old Latina in the first row, kneeling and saying her rosary. You just know she was there every day. Their dedication is stunning. We could all stand to have that level of commitment to something. To anything.

There was the odd cleric and layman moving to and fro furiously, arranging flowers and placing items as if to say, “God will not wait for my lazy ass.” I could see the two lights on the confessional lit. Some poor schlub spilling his guts about things that probably don’t really matter in the grand scheme – and if they do matter, he should probably be speaking to someone else. It was everything that I remembered from my youth and many of the reasons I left the church.

But then I noticed that one massive thing that had been sitting directly in front of me all along. The altar.

Of course, to just say “the altar” isn’t quite correct. Some will tell you the altar is just the table. There’s the reredos which is the wall that sits behind the table, sometimes with pictures of saints. The cross, which in Mission Dolores Basilica is at least life size, though I’d say it’s larger than life – it’s rather horrifying, really. You have the aumbry and lectern and the huge vases filled with flowers and the little kneeling benches where the altar boys wait with their bells, even lighting and sound equipment. The whole thing really is a stage but of course, we just call it the altar.

The power of this image just bashed me between the eyes. Even with my complete lack of belief, I couldn’t deny the ability of this structure to focus my attention on the subject at hand.

I stayed a while but fearing retribution for having soiled this holy place with my heathenness, I got up, put my hands in my pockets as I passed the fonts and exited the building.

I spent the rest of the day moving from place to place in a free form motion. No requirements. No goals. Just go until you have a reason to stop. I ended the day at the Buddhist Bookstore and got as much out of talking to the staff as I did out of the books that I purchased. All in all, it was a perfect day.

Good thing too because the next day I found out that there were two services for my Uncle. The one that the family was holding that I was going to miss and one that the members of his sangha were holding that took place the day I was out seeing The City.

So I would miss both opportunities to pay my respects to Uncle. But I think – and I could way off base here – that in doing what I did that day in The City, in reattaching momentarily to my hurtful past, acknowledging it, then letting it go, then seeking out a new way, I may have paid more respect to Uncle George and his way of life than anything I could have done at either of those services. I sure hope so anyway.

So back to the altar.

I had largely forgotten about my altar experience until I went to see the Dalai Lama last week. Upon entering the auditorium the first time, I was greeted with an open stage open which sat, I’m guessing, four rows of maybe eight zabuton on either side of a large throne. Some of the zabuton were occupied by monks and nuns. All would be soon. Behind the last row of zabuton on each side were a row of chairs. On one side, the row contained a number of Benedictine monks. On the other side were a number of women that I’m assuming were Catholic nuns of some sort. Behind the throne, hanging in front of the backdrop is a massive (I’m talking like 80 feet high) tapestry of the Buddha. Everything is decked out in maroon and gold.

BANG! Between the eyes again.

Suddenly I’m having every experience in front of every altar ever, all over again and that’s when it hits me.

“focalpoints to aid one in their practice”

Of course! Having an altar doesn’t make me a ritual sacrificer anymore than it makes me a Buddhist or a Catholic. I can only be those things if I practice those things.

Here’s an example. I own a baseball bat. Does that make me a baseball player? No. Only playing baseball can make me a baseball player.

So once I’m back home, I start pondering the altar idea. Do I need one? Do I want one? Well, my little practice spot is kind of shabby. It doesn’t particularly inspire me to meditate. To focus on the subject at hand. It does kind of sound like having an altar might be appropriate. But what does that entail? Do I need to buy stuff? Is there some particular layout that I have to get right? Is this whole endeavor going to start to irritate me at some point?

Then I found this thread over at e-sangha. Great stuff. I discovered that while the altar should definitely focus you on the subject of the Buddha’s teachings, part of how it does that is to speak directly to you. The best way to do that is for the altar to be very much a part of you. It should take on part of your personality. I realized I already had everything I needed. Here’s what I used.

• 1 old steamer trunk
• 1 concrete Buddha statue from WalMart that was going to go into the garden next year
• 1 maroon fleece throw blanket
• 1 “Teaching of Buddha” book
• 1 “Atisha’s Lamp For The Path To Enlightenment” book
• 1 dorje

The Buddha statue is perched on top of my homemade zafu. I found one that supported my back better so I thought I’d give mine to the Buddha. In front of the altar, my zafu sits on my homemade zabuton. As time goes on I’m sure I’ll add more as I find things that suit me but I’ve found that when I bow, then sit on my zafu and look up at the Buddha, BANG! Right between the eyes.

Works like a charm.

Finding Center

Well, today has been weird. I’ve found myself flying back and forth between extremes of anger and elation, cruelty and compassion – basically, who I’ve been and who I’d like to be. I assume that what I’m doing is finding a middle ground where I can be comfortable in my practice, A place where I can bend without breaking. That would be handy.

I ended the day on what I can only assume was some sort of test. I feel like I’ve been getting a lot of those lately.

The office of mayor in our little town is up for for election this year. Our local public access channel has been running a tape of the debates between the two candidates every night and tonight I got a chance to watch it. Now, I’d had my opinions about one of the gentlemen running and why he was, shall we say, ill-equipped to serve as mayor but watching him on television tonight really hit the point home. The man is not bright and I’m being nice. Really, really, REALLY nice.

Now, I’m trying to be more compassionate towards others. I’m trying to feel love for everyone and I really feel that not calling someone an idiot is a big step in that direction. (If you knew me, you’d think it was a giant leap.) But here’s the thing: what if the person in question really is an idiot? What if they’re as dumb as a small paper bag half full of used matches? And what if the braniac in question wants to run your town and has a fair chance of winning?

You meditate, right? That’s where I’m headed right now.

Familiarity Breeds Familiarity

Being back at home, I’m finding that my practice is headed back to it’s old patterns. That is, it’s hit and miss. It’s not that I don’t want to practice. It’s that I want to do that and a number of other things too plus there’s a bunch of things that I’m required to do. So mediation, study, yoga, these things tend to get pushed aside. I need to force myself into a regimen to make sure that I stay the course but it needs to be a regimen that isn’t so stiff that I push back.

So, I started the day with a small meal, a short meditation session, thirty minutes worth of yoga, then sat down and listened to a dharma talk at Audio Dharma by Gil Fronsdal. Things were going well until the dharma talk. Shortly after I started listening to that, my mind began to wander. I had to keep rewinding to catch pieces I just listened to. I definitely did not get the most out of it. I’ll try listening to it again tomorrow during lunch. I imagine I’ll need it by then.

Afterwards, I decided to start on work around the house. In the past, I’ve always had a strong distaste for this kind of work. I do it but I hate it. What a lovely way to spend my time off. Of course, I’ve read the many things written about treating your work as part of your meditation practice. I always got a good chuckle out of that. I mean, it’s pretty hard to view work as meditation when you’re swearing under your breath the whole time. My work today – laundry and yard work – was different, though. It felt very much like meditation.

To my amusement, I found myself singing a song while I was working. The song was taught to us prior to one of His Holiness’ sessions last week. The song was in both Tibetan and Sanskrit and I’m sure I was mangling the words badly but it’s the thought that counts, right?

Once my work was done, I realized that a number of the people I know realized I was home and the phone calls and emails started coming in. People wanted things. They always do. That was part of what was wearing on me so heavily before I left but I certainly can’t expect that to go away. It’s part of what I need to learn to accept and deal with.

I think I did OK with that though. No swearing or grunting. No pacing. I didn’t do that thing with my hand and my face. So, yeah. That went well.