No Expectations

I’m about a week out from shooting my next short. It’s a sad romance called “Slow River”.

This one has me pretty excited. The production is small by design, both to ease the work and add to the story’s intimate feel. The actors are two very talented friends (Jim Dougherty and Rhonda Tinch-Mize) who I’ve been wanting to work with again for a while. My partner Randy DeFord will be manning the camera, allowing me to work more closely on performances. I’ve even brought my lovely wife in to work as my script supervisor. Also, we have photographer Polina Osherov joining us for the still photography. I recommend that everyone check out her work.

But I do need to address my expectations with this one. After the problems we ran into on the feature we were doing earlier this year, I discovered that I was basing my happiness on the success of the project and when it all came to a halt, I was pretty bitter.

I do believe that we’ve taken as many precautions as we can to ensure that this one goes smoothly but I need to caution myself against getting my hopes up. Not because something could go wrong but because even with great success, I shouldn’t be any happier. There’s a big difference between being happy with your work and being happy because of your work.

And that is all today. No “what have I learned”. I’m just watching my thoughts.

Maybe that’s what I’ve learned.

“Songs For Daddy”

A number of people have asked me why I didn’t just post the video here, rather than provide a link. Honestly, it hadn’t occurred to me.

So, by popularish demand, here it is:

more about ““Songs For Daddy”“, posted with vodpod

Bad News, Good News

So the grinding halt alarm went off on the full length film my partner and I have been working on since late December. Our lead actress injured herself at her day job. She’s OK but her doctor put her on restrictions for limited movement until further notice. This was the night before we were to spend the entire weekend shooting a number of important and physically testing scenes, including the film’s climax.

Due to the limited availability of some of our main actors and the change in landscape at our location when corn gets harvested, we’re done. Done for this year, anyway.

This was a real kick in the short hairs, to mix a metaphor. The progress on this film was amazing. We were getting great results every time we shot. Having to stop now really took the wind out of our sails.

Fortunately, one of our actors and a very good friend of ours had already arrived in town when we got word. He ended up staying overnight and helped us tear down our locations. Afterward, the three of us had lunch together and were able to talk about the projects we have going and ones we’d like to do together. We walked away from the day with big plans and I think we’ll see a lot of good come now that we’re able to focus on other things.

As an example, I spent this past week ironing out a number of rough edges in a short that we hsot last fall and it has been released. The film is called “Songs For Daddy”. Here’s the release announcement:

25 North Filmwurks is pleased to announce the release of “Songs For Daddy”.

In this short film, a young woman must choose between pursuing her music career and caring for her aging father.

Starring:
Desiree Conn
Don Becker

Cinematography:
Randy DeFord

Written and Directed by:
Adam Shephard

You can view a low-res version of “Songs For Daddy” at the 25 North site: http://www.25north.net/projects.html.

“Adam Shephard” is me, by the way. I don’t believe I’ve ever said that here.

So what have I learned?

Well, it’s one of those impermanence lessons, isn’t it? I had my hopes and dreams all wrapped up in this one project and just like that, it all came crashing down, as things can do.

But not only should I not have been so centered around this one thing, it’s clear now that my time would have been better spent on other projects. Yes, one big film would have been great. But five or six or seven short ones would have, make that “will be” just as great.

Of course, the “greatness” of those projects are not what I should focus on. The focus should be on the work itself. Although we were focused on making a great film, a great film didn’t get made.

The perfection comes from the work not the end result.

Anyway, enjoy the show.

We’re rolling

Well, it’s underway. The big project. El Filmo Kahuna Grande.

I spent the weekend with my partner Randy and a couple of our actors getting some scenes in the can. We’re taking a purposely slower pace on some of these just so we don’t wear out our actors. We realize that talented actors are gold and we want them to be happy.

When we finished our last scene on Sunday, we were pretty excited until someone (yeah, OK,it was me) said, “three down, eighty-four more to go”. Still we got some great stuff and the film is off to a hell of a start.

This weekend, I’ll be conducting rehearsals with three actors (one of which, The Drama Queen Mother, is blogrolled over on the right – check her out, she’s awesome) on what are my favorite scenes because of the level of character interaction. This is a thriller but these scenes set up the friendships in the film and even touch on the transience of friendships. There are some great moments between the women in this film and I know our actresses will impress.

So what’s to learn here?

Well, although all things should be this way, film making is very much a Middle Path thing for me. When I write, I get caught up in the emotions of each character. I need to do that to make the story work. I feel that if it doesn’t work for me, it’s not going to work for anyone else. So I laugh and cry and ache and fall in love right alongside my characters. But when it comes time to commit it to film, all that has to go. It’s about understanding the story and knowing what must be done at any given time. Little in the way of wasted movement. No emotional involvement. Randy is good that way. When I do pull one of those “I have an idea” things, he’s good about grounding everything quickly.

I need to learn to put into practice the ideas about practice that I’ve been able to pick up and abosrb. Actually, I need to learn even more basic things than that. Like how to better appreciate people. Making a film is the most non-solitary sport I can think of. It’s ALL about teamwork. Everyone has to work to make it all come together. You simply can’t pull someone else’s weight. In the case of Microcinema, where everyone works for the fun of it, the exercise itself – where everyone works for free – all of the people you work with deserve as much kindness, respect and compassion as possible.

And food. Lots of food.

New Year, New Project, New Outlook

So I’ve been working with Jim Dougherty and the gang at 3 O’Clock Productions on their first short, “Waffles For Virginia”. The first trailer for the film is up at YouTube.

Jim and I have worked on a number of projects together. He and I both acted in and directed portions of Randy DeFord’s Postpartum and Jim directed my script of Chances. So when he asked me if I would be interested in working on this project, my answer was “yes” before I even knew what it was.

I won’t give anything away about the story. You can view the trailer for that. What I will tell you is that this crew of people has, to the person, been absolutely amazing. Having just come off a “professional” shoot that was a mess in every imaginable way, dealing with people who were organized, dedicated, pleasant and fun has been such a treat. I hope to work with them all again.

Some of them I know for sure I’ll be working with again. A couple of them will be working with Randy DeFord and me on our next production this summer. More info on that once the announcements are made.

This film has been a great start to the year. As soon as it’s released, I’ll post the info here.

On Ike Turner and Jiminy Cricket

And that’s that.

It ended a week ago yesterday. Two days early for me as I decided I’d had enough. I won’t go into details. I’ll just say that this film was hands down the worst experience of my life.

A friend who also worked on this and I were talking one night and I related it to being bullied as a kid. As in those situations, it’s not like this situation was life or death. You can easily stop what happening just by standing up for yourself but you don’t – and that’s what hurts you. It’s not the things that other people do to you. It’s that you let them do these things. The fact that you let yourself be abused eats at your humanity.

I spoke with many people on the set who felt the same way. Phrases like “I don’ deserve this” and “never again” were bandied about frequently but now that it’s over everyone is talking about it in glowing terms, talking about how they can’t wait for the next one.

All I can do is shake my head, chuckle and wonder. I have to imagine that the afterglow has gotten to them. The bruises have healed and they only hear, “Ike loves you baby,” and so they swoon. Personally, I’m just happy to be back to real life. A steady job. Dogs to play with. A granddaughter to help raise. A loving wife to cuddle up to.

As for film making, I had an interesting conversation with one of the producers after a particularly grueling day. We talked about the desire for personal cinema. Movies that people make for themselves, inviting everyone else to come along for the ride if they like. Wouldn’t it be nice to see more films like this? Movies that weren’t made with a goal of being this summer’s big blockbuster but rather with the singular goal of telling a story. And not the same story that has been told countless times by countless people.

That’s where I’ve wanted to be all along. Small simple films that focus on telling a story. I don’t usually make New Year’s Resolutions but I do have one this year. I’m only doing my own work from now on. I’ve partnered up with a guy who is of the same mind and we have some good stuff planned for 2008.

So is that what there was to learn from this? Not quite. I already knew that Hollywood is not where it’s at for me. I already knew that real life was more important to me than the big show. I already knew what I wanted out of film making. So just what was there to learn here?

I deviated from my path. I chose a different road because it looked like it had been newly paved. It was a bad road, through a seedy section of town. Bad things happened there and when I got off that road, I was a little worse off. But I learned that I could have seen those bad things coming – in fact, I did see them coming – and could have avoided them.

My practice fell off in the days before the project started and was non-existant while it was going on. On one hand, it probably would have helped. On the other hand, I don’t think there was any knowledge that I didn’t already have that would helped in this situation. I knew what I needed to do but knowing what to do means nothing. It’s all about what you actually do.

I learned that Jiminy Cricket was right. “Always let your conscience be your guide.”

The Final Days of the Stress Circus

So with all the goings on involved in this film project I haven’t felt much like blogging about it. My time has been split pretty much evenly between working on it and bitching about working on it.

I went nuclear on the line producer this weekend. It was basically a matter of me saying, “I’ve had it and I want out,” and him calming me down and convincing me I didn’t. I think he was about 65% right. Honestly, I do want out but I’d be a fool to pass this up. I know that if I don’t do this, I’ll always wonder what I missed. I should be able to let that go but I can’t. Not yet anyway.

The one good thing that has come out of all of this is that it’s really made me appreciate my own work. Having had the opportunity to see how professionals do it, I now know two things. First, I know that my work stands up to theirs. Probably not from a box office perspective – which, if the various remakes and threequels are the standard against which I’m to be measured, isn’t breaking my heart – but certainly from an obviously subjective quality standard. Second, I know that I’d be infinitely happier making the films that I make on meager budgets, not losing any money and being proud of the work that I do than doing what amounts to volunteer work and going through this kind of stress circus to help someone else realize a dream that is purely monetary-based.

Do I sound bitter? Unfortunately, I think I am and that is not the fault of anybody involved with this film. It’s my fault and mine alone. I got involved with this project for the wrong reasons and now I’m not happy that it has not turned out the way I hoped. Was I made some false promises? Sure. Should I have seen those promises for what they were or more precisely did I and choose to pretend that I didn’t? Yes. I saw a shiny object and I gleefully picked it up. I should know better.

The obvious thing to do would have been to meditate on the decision first. Had I been mindful,  truly mindful, I could have seen this coming. It’s not like it was well-hidden. Of course, had I done that, I would have turned the job down and would have missed out on some great lessons about myself. Besides, this is no time for regret. No time for”should have”.

I have found one nice little diversion from the nightly beatings that have become my work on this project. When I get home from my regular job, I’ve got an inbox full of emails that must be answered. I start responding to them all and before I’m done, I start getting responses to my responses. After a couple of hours, I get to the point where I get five or ten minute breaks between emails. When that happens, I turn on my Wii and fire up Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07. I pick a course – often Pebble Beach because it reminds me of home – and play 18, sometimes 36, holes. Every time my computer beeps to let me know I have a new email, I put my hand up to indicate they must wait for me to finish the hole.

There is no “them” in Wii.

Fortunately, two weeks from today it will all be over. Even if this goes exceedingly well, it will be fortunate that it will be over. I need to get back to a place in my life that doesn’t involve these people and this film. A place that is about my wife and my kids and my granddaughter and the only true film career I have. The one I make for myself.

Which brings up another point. I have a friend that I make films with. He’s the one that I mentioned last time that turned down the chance to work on this film. I’m looking forward to getting back to working with him. When it comes to making films, he and I seem to be of an almost singular mind. We have a new project in mind for the summer that we both think will be very special. The kind of film we like to make. The kind of work we can be proud of. That sounds like perfection right about now.

And I’m Doing This, Why?

So I’m involved in this film project. Someone else’s, not mine.

I should preface this by saying that, with the exception of acting, I’m not big on working on other people’s projects. They rarely provide you with enough info to really get behind the event yet they expect you to bleed, sweat and cry every drop through every agonizing moment of making their little miracle happen. If you have real anti-social tendencies, crewing someone else’s film is like being forced to listen to hordes of hand models run their fingernails down acres of chalkboards.

The reasons I agreed to go with this one are 1) it’s a fairly large scale film (read: will be seen nationwide) and 2) I would also be acting in it and 3) the other job was Art Director which would look nice on the resume.

Well, the acting part went up in smoke and the Art Director position has turned into the snafu to end all snafus. I’ve had my props department dwindled down to a completely overworked Set Dresser and myself and with days left before shooting, new items are being added to our to-do list by the hour. The scale of the audience is still intact, though. So should things go south due to the HeadUpTheAssness exhibited by the higher-ups, all of America will get to see just how big of a screw up I am according to said higher-ups.

So, lessons. Right? What are my lessons?

I see many but they seem to be the kind of lessons I always had for myself, pre-Buddhism (which doesn’t necessarily make them wrong). Things like “don’t get involved with those people again” or “stop pretending that you want to work on other people’s stuff”. But I’m having trouble seeing any lessons from a Buddhist perspective. It could be that I’m just too close to the situation right now. Perhaps once it’s over.

There is a friend of mine who was asked to be involved much like I was who turned it down flat. His main reason was that he didn’t feel he was qualified. Everyone else felt he was but he said that it seemed that a higher level of professionalism was required for that kind of work and he didn’t possess that. That could very well be part of my problem. If so, it would have been nice to have that kind of foresight and maturity to recognize my limits.

But there’s something else going on here. This situation is bad and I’m sorry I got involved. I won’t quit because I committed to it but I can’t wait until it’s over and I can go back to making my own little movies again.

 

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I was just about to post this when it clicked.

Last week, I wrote this:

Bodhi Girl made a comment about my little medical incident last week that really got me thinking. She pointed out that my predicament made it very easy to remember the First Noble Truth, that is the truth of suffering. More precisely, that life is suffering.

OK. Maybe I’m stretching here but could this week’s post be about the Second Noble Truth? That suffering is caused by craving? I took this job because it sounded like I could get what I wanted out of it and OH SNAP! Suffering.

Like I said, maybe I’m stretching but work with me here.