Missing Home and Other Things

As I understand it, being homesick is a very basic form of attachment. Also as I understand it, the problem with attachment is that it is invented. We create attachments to give alleged meaning to things we do, say, think and feel. If that is the case, homesickness is an especially made-up form of attachment.

Still…

Today is Halloween and having grown up and spent more than half of my life in San Francisco, Halloween was kind of a big deal for me. In many ways it is THE holiday. The fact that Halloween falls on Friday this year means that this should be a great weekend back home.

When one is homesick, they attach to people, places, sights, sounds, anything that can place them back home in their heads. Thinking of Halloween in The City, the people, places, sights and sounds have an extra quality of attachment. They are very sensual. We feel skin on skin. We taste the heady flavors of alcohol. We hear the beats and strains of music. These things combine to drive hedonism to the forefront and it’s there for the picking without any judgment.

That may sound like a normal day in San Francisco and it is except that everything is heightened on Halloween.

I like to think that I’ve gotten to a point where the desire for hedonistic pleasure (at least in excess) is behind me. But sitting in my office in East Podunk, I find myself missing the bump and grind of my favorite holiday in my favorite city. I daydream about experiencing it all over again and getting to introduce my wife to the pleasures of a populace comfortable not only in it’s own skin but around that of others.

On the other hand, the changes my life has taken have brought me new joys. For example, my wife and I will be taking our granddaughter out for a little Trick Or Treat tonight. There she will learn of attachment to sweets and fancy clothing all at our hands.

So, what have I learned?

I’ve learned that getting past modes of behavior, doesn’t mean that you don’t remember them fondly. I guess that makes this the perfect time, to recognize, accept and let go.

I’ve also learned that I may simply be trading attachments to a young man’s lifestyle to that of an…um…older man’s lifestyle.

Ungrudging Begrudgingly

Today I dealt with a salesman and support from a vendor that was installing a piece of equipment in our office. My past experiences with this company’s equipment have been awful and I’ve repeatedly asked the powers that be to stop purchasing this equipment. I point out that I can get equipment that is simpler to use, has more robust features and costs less than half the price – all to no avail. The powers that be “like” the equipment even though they are not the ones that have to use it, so they buy it secretly then foist it upon me after the deal is done.

So the sales guy and his support person march in today to hook this overpriced, under performing office equipment up to my network (no it’s not actually MY network, it’s just terminology that we (yes WE) (no not the Van Patten Family) use when referring to the machinery for which we bear responsibility) and make it all my problem.

I find it very hard to be civil to people in these situations. Make no mistake, I am civil to them but only just and it irks me. My blood pressure goes up. My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth. I frown. Oddly, I normally frown anyway – not out of anger, it’s just the way my face looks – so when I have a reason to frown, I look especially pissed off.

Now, really, there’s no reason that I should be bothered by this. It’s beyond my control and it’s not really important in the big scheme of things. Nobody dies or is in pain or starves or goes homeless. It’s more of a matter of being forced to work with inferior products. At twice the price. Which effects the company’s bottom line. And my bonus. And my job satisfaction level.

Fuckers.

Anyway, the people I was dealing with certainly didn’t deserve my scorn. Well, maybe the sales guy did. He’s the one that keeps pushing this stuff on us. But the tech guy? No, not him. He’s just doing my job. Which is to explain the workings of the products to the customer. And really, the sales guy’s job is to sell the product. Of course, part of my job is to not allow garbage on my network but enough about me.

So what’s to learn here?

Well, I need to let stuff that’s beyond my control just pass without attaching myself to it. Again, core middle path stuff. But I don’t need to learn that I need to do that. I need to learn how to do that. Actually, I don’t even really need to learn how. I just need to do it.

After all, I need to accept that some people make and sell crap at outrageous prices. Like Xerox. And some people buy it. Happily. Like my boss.

I’m not frowning right now. And I have to say, its a little painful.

P.S.

Credit to my blogging muse for, “I’m laying low today. Hoping to do some serious power napping and blog perusing!”. OK, OK, I get it.

EDIT: 06/15/2008

I just re-read this and realized that when I’m mad, I exhibit the grammar skills of people with few teeth.

Typos and thinkos have been fixed.