Today I dealt with a salesman and support from a vendor that was installing a piece of equipment in our office. My past experiences with this company’s equipment have been awful and I’ve repeatedly asked the powers that be to stop purchasing this equipment. I point out that I can get equipment that is simpler to use, has more robust features and costs less than half the price – all to no avail. The powers that be “like” the equipment even though they are not the ones that have to use it, so they buy it secretly then foist it upon me after the deal is done.

So the sales guy and his support person march in today to hook this overpriced, under performing office equipment up to my network (no it’s not actually MY network, it’s just terminology that we (yes WE) (no not the Van Patten Family) use when referring to the machinery for which we bear responsibility) and make it all my problem.

I find it very hard to be civil to people in these situations. Make no mistake, I am civil to them but only just and it irks me. My blood pressure goes up. My jaw hurts from gritting my teeth. I frown. Oddly, I normally frown anyway – not out of anger, it’s just the way my face looks – so when I have a reason to frown, I look especially pissed off.

Now, really, there’s no reason that I should be bothered by this. It’s beyond my control and it’s not really important in the big scheme of things. Nobody dies or is in pain or starves or goes homeless. It’s more of a matter of being forced to work with inferior products. At twice the price. Which effects the company’s bottom line. And my bonus. And my job satisfaction level.

Fuckers.

Anyway, the people I was dealing with certainly didn’t deserve my scorn. Well, maybe the sales guy did. He’s the one that keeps pushing this stuff on us. But the tech guy? No, not him. He’s just doing my job. Which is to explain the workings of the products to the customer. And really, the sales guy’s job is to sell the product. Of course, part of my job is to not allow garbage on my network but enough about me.

So what’s to learn here?

Well, I need to let stuff that’s beyond my control just pass without attaching myself to it. Again, core middle path stuff. But I don’t need to learn that I need to do that. I need to learn how to do that. Actually, I don’t even really need to learn how. I just need to do it.

After all, I need to accept that some people make and sell crap at outrageous prices. Like Xerox. And some people buy it. Happily. Like my boss.

I’m not frowning right now. And I have to say, its a little painful.

P.S.

Credit to my blogging muse for, “I’m laying low today. Hoping to do some serious power napping and blog perusing!”. OK, OK, I get it.

EDIT: 06/15/2008

I just re-read this and realized that when I’m mad, I exhibit the grammar skills of people with few teeth.

Typos and thinkos have been fixed.

Well, it’s underway. The big project. El Filmo Kahuna Grande.

I spent the weekend with my partner Randy and a couple of our actors getting some scenes in the can. We’re taking a purposely slower pace on some of these just so we don’t wear out our actors. We realize that talented actors are gold and we want them to be happy.

When we finished our last scene on Sunday, we were pretty excited until someone (yeah, OK,it was me) said, “three down, eighty-four more to go”. Still we got some great stuff and the film is off to a hell of a start.

This weekend, I’ll be conducting rehearsals with three actors (one of which, The Drama Queen Mother, is blogrolled over on the right - check her out, she’s awesome) on what are my favorite scenes because of the level of character interaction. This is a thriller but these scenes set up the friendships in the film and even touch on the transience of friendships. There are some great moments between the women in this film and I know our actresses will impress.

So what’s to learn here?

Well, although all things should be this way, film making is very much a Middle Path thing for me. When I write, I get caught up in the emotions of each character. I need to do that to make the story work. I feel that if it doesn’t work for me, it’s not going to work for anyone else. So I laugh and cry and ache and fall in love right alongside my characters. But when it comes time to commit it to film, all that has to go. It’s about understanding the story and knowing what must be done at any given time. Little in the way of wasted movement. No emotional involvement. Randy is good that way. When I do pull one of those “I have an idea” things, he’s good about grounding everything quickly.

I need to learn to put into practice the ideas about practice that I’ve been able to pick up and abosrb. Actually, I need to learn even more basic things than that. Like how to better appreciate people. Making a film is the most non-solitary sport I can think of. It’s ALL about teamwork. Everyone has to work to make it all come together. You simply can’t pull someone else’s weight. In the case of Microcinema, where everyone works for the fun of it, the exercise itself – where everyone works for free – all of the people you work with deserve as much kindness, respect and compassion as possible.

And food. Lots of food.

So the vacation was great. And yes, I did pretty good with the mindfulness bit.

Until I got to Oxford Street.

Now, I’m a fool for the city in a very Foghatian sense. I was born and raised in a city. Moving to the sticks was brutal. Still is. Walking down a busy street at full speed really puts me in my element. But Oxford Street? Hmm. Let’s see, Oxford Street is…

Oxford Street is fucked up.

Fuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-ucked UP!

Too many tourists. Too many tourist shops. Too many hawkers. Even the pubs are hideously over commercialized. And that many people shouting gimme, gimme, gimme always manages to put me in a bad frame of mind.

So, I lost my cool. I wasn’t loud about it. It was more of a seething. I imagine that my face resembled that of the Hulk just before he snaps.

I ended up taking a break by getting acupuncture. Now I have a problem with needles so acupuncture as relaxation is just not me but I was having issues with my shoulder and the acupuncture place looked peaceful. And it was. And I didn’t feel the needles at all. Cupping on the other hand….

Anyway, back out into the street I went and I was slightly better. At least my shoulder didn’t hurt.

What I had said previously about new sights, sounds, smells and experiences – that was wonderful. I’m a foodie and have been since I had to learn to cook for myself as a child. London is a great place for food. Whether your want immaculately prepared roast beef, a creamy Korma or just some perfectly fried fish you can get it there.

My big surprise food-wise? Mark & Spencer’s Food Stores. They had one in the tube station near our hotel so the wife and I stopped there every night on our way home. Try to imagine if 7-11 served nothing but incredible food. I fell in love with these Swiss Roll/Ho-Ho like items that were made with better chocolate and came in various fruit flavors. And the cloudy apple soda. And the chocolate covered shortbread. And the coconut bars. THE COCONUT BARS!!!! I’d move into Euston Tube Station just to be near them.

I can always tell how much I like a place by how much I miss the food when I’m gone. I still long for food from home. Abalone from The Old Clam House. A big plate of Kuleto’s risotto. The scallopine with the tortellini from Little Henry’s. When we were in Paris, it was those waffles with Nutella. Or those mutant hot dogs on baguettes with Camembert. Or the curried cuttlefish from the Vietnamese place. Now I can add a coconut bar with a cloudy apple soda to my list.

And mushy peas. Yes, I finally learned to love those. Not the mint ones, though.

And so it appears that my practice fell without my realizing it. Sure, I was on a very even, happy keel – minus Oxford Street – but I lusted after and gave into my lust for food there. The middle path isn’t just handling bad times moderately. It’s handling the good times the same way.

Oh well. At least failure is tasty.

So the wife and I are finally getting a vacation. We take at least a couple of trips regularly but for us, a vacation involves a couple of things.

• No drives over three hours
• Just us on the trip
• No visiting family members

Keeping those things in mind, we haven’t had a real vacation since a cruise three years ago.

So tomorrow we’re heading off to London for a week. This is something we’ve been looking forward to for a while now. I’ve done quite a bit of traveling as I used to be a travel agent. My wife has done some but not a lot. Interestingly, I’ve never been to London. I’ve been to both Scotland and Ireland but never England – unless you count layovers at Heathrow (I do not). The only time she’s been to Europe was our belated honeymoon to Paris so this is going to be a nice bit of exploring for both of us.

How will this fit into practice? Well, I could easily use this as an excuse to blow off practice altogether for a week but really I see vacations as condensed practice opportunities.

The great thing about traveling is the barrage of new experiences, new smells, new sounds, new flavors all coming at you, rapid fire. How one handles those sensations is, to me, what one’s practice should be about. There’s no pillow. No statue. No opportunity to sit. You simply move and experience and – hopefully – remain mindful through it all.

And in a city like London, if you do manage to remain truly mindful you get to absorb the buildup of over a thousand years of people’s lives and loves and works. Nice stuff if you can do it right.

Of course, I could be very wrong about this. This could just be the buildup of my own preconceptions of the small but shiny new insights that I believe I have acquired.

Perhaps one-on-one travels with a Roshi might be a nice way to practice.

We do have free net access in the hotel room. Perhaps I’ll write a blog entry every day while I’m there.

Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

P.S.

Thanks to “Irrepressible Angst”, my unofficial blogging muse. When I go a long time without posting, it’s due to my laziness. So far, whenever I start again, it’s due to her prodding.

Something I discovered a number of years ago: when your employer starts hiring consultants to give its employees lessons on things like “effective customer service” and “team building”, it’s time to start looking for another job.

I’ve worked for three separate companies that did this. The first time, the “old timers” immediately started predicting doom. I couldn’t understand why. I thought, “no big deal. It’s a seminar. We learn something that helps us do our jobs more efficiently.” I stuck it out for another year but ended up having to take a job I didn’t want for less money before I ended up on the street because the company I worked for couldn’t afford to keep people. Within five years, my previous employer was bought by a larger company and dissolved.

When it happened the second time, my hackles were raised but I stuck it out anyway, hoping that the first time was an aberration. It wasn’t. Fortunately I didn’t stick around as long that time. Within a few weeks, the signs were everywhere. I, along with the rest of the management team was gone within six months of each other – all on our own terms. That company still exists but, from what I understand, it’s a financial drain on the owner.

The third time it happened, I hooked up with a couple of headhunters the day the announcement was made. Within three months, I had a new job. That company was bought by a “Consulting Services” group and was turned into a company that handled a completely different business. Most of the employees were let go. Of the few that remain, one is in upper management and doing extremely well. The rest are easily some of the most miserable people I know.

Flash forward to today. In my inbox was an announcement that we the minions of my current employer, are to attend a seminar being presented by a consulting firm. The announcement makes no mention of the nature of this seminar - just be there - but looking up the firm online led me to a description of a company that specializes in developing strategic marketing and sales programs for our industry.

This time it’s different, though. In the previous instances I was 1) living in major metropolitan areas and 2) considerably younger. I’m now hitting my mid-40s and living in an area where people are excited to get a job that pays $11 an hour because opportunities like that are few and far between.

Now, I should be able to deal with this. I mean, as I said before, I’m hitting my mid-40s. This shouldn’t be the kind of thing that bothers me but along with the maturity of middle age comes the responsibilities of middle age. I have a family to support. And besides having the income stream continue to flow, I’m pretty sure they’d prefer it if, when I came home I wasn’t pissed off all the time.

Then there’s Buddhism. If I really believe the things I say I believe, this should just roll right off my back. I should be focused on the truly important things (we’ll forget for the moment that paying bills is actually important and focus on things like the four noble truths and the eightfold path).

So it’s time to suck it up and play the hand that life deals to me. Right?

Um, yes. Apparently so.

So I sit tight, be a good little employee…and wait.

Are we there yet?

What about now?

OK. I fell off the practice wagon again. I’ve not been meditating or studying nor have I practiced any kind of mindfulness in any situation for weeks. I’d love to say that it’s because I’ve been horribly busy but the fact of the matter is, I’ve just been too lazy to do it. And too lazy to meditate? Now THAT’S lazy.

I do have one excuse I could feed you and this would be a fairly accurate reason – my meditation space got flooded about two weeks ago. Nothing major but with the constant, snow/rain/melt/snow cycle, getting the carpeting dry in there has been a bear. But I know that were the atmosphere in there pleasant, I still wouldn’t have done it. Lazy, lazy, lazy.

It hasn’t really gotten to me until the past couple of days. Now, I’m looking for something to jump start it. I did find something that’s a great resource. Shasta Abbey has produced a full English translation of the Shobogenzo and made it available online for free. This translation was a monumental task. Not only was the original written over 750 years ago and in Japanese but the concepts are pretty involved. Maintaining the original spirit of a document like this is hardly simple. Massive thanks to the Shasta Abbey.

Of course, someone too lazy to meditate a couple of times a day probably shouldn’t start reading the Shobogenzo.

I am going to take another stab at the Dhammapada though. I gave it what could only be described as a very cursory read a couple of years ago. That’s kind of like skimming the Bible.

I’m also going to try to make more of an effort of posting here. I just can’t deal with a breakup right now.

And of course, the big question: What have I learned?

Well, as fundamental a practice as Zen is, I (“we”, I’m sure) have been so trained all along to live another way, that these fundamentals are, well, difficult. There’s no coasting. Reality must be absorbed small, steady portions. Stop absorbing reality and you absorb, well, something else.

So I’ve been working with Jim Dougherty and the gang at 3 O’Clock Productions on their first short, “Waffles For Virginia”. The first trailer for the film is up at YouTube.

Jim and I have worked on a number of projects together. He and I both acted in and directed portions of Randy DeFord’s Postpartum and Jim directed my script of Chances. So when he asked me if I would be interested in working on this project, my answer was “yes” before I even knew what it was.

I won’t give anything away about the story. You can view the trailer for that. What I will tell you is that this crew of people has, to the person, been absolutely amazing. Having just come off a “professional” shoot that was a mess in every imaginable way, dealing with people who were organized, dedicated, pleasant and fun has been such a treat. I hope to work with them all again.

Some of them I know for sure I’ll be working with again. A couple of them will be working with Randy DeFord and me on our next production this summer. More info on that once the announcements are made.

This film has been a great start to the year. As soon as it’s released, I’ll post the info here.

So it would appear I’ve been tagged for a “meme” by TMcG. I actually had to look that up. It’s great idea in the “getting to know you/us” spirit of things. Here’s how this meme works:

• Link to the person who tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
• Share 7 random or weird things about yourself.
• Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs
• Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here are the 7 random or weird things about Nodokusan.

1. I imitate basically everybody I know/have ever known but only when nobody is around. This is how I talk to myself.

2. On a semi-regular basis, I dream of plane crashes. I’m never in them and they are never violent. Basically, a plane crashes, usually in my backyard, and just gets stuck in the ground nose first. When it hits the ground, it makes the same kind of sound you get when you pop a cork out of a wine bottle. Then, a tiny little plume of smoke trails out of the tail. And that’s all. Nothing bad. Ever.

3. I find it easier to relate to my two year old granddaughter than anyone else. She just seems to be more reasonable than most people.

4. Once I start watching a movie, I have to finish it, no matter how much I dislike it. I can’t watch something for ten or fifteen minutes and say, “wow this is awful” and turn it off. Once it’s on, I’m there for the long haul.

5. I was drawn to Buddhism out of a need to become more grounded, more centered. While I am heading there, I’m also hitting the extremes (anger and calm, ego and humility, etc) more frequently than I was before. On one hand, it feels like exactly what I shouldn’t be doing. On the other hand, I feel like I am actually doing what comes naturally as opposed to following some sort of script. It’s very freeing.

6. I often wondered what a coma would be like. If you could have one without all the drama and injuries that generally accompany them, I would imagine they could be rather refreshing. Could be quite a business to open up. Kind of like the old sensory deprivation tanks, only you’d stay in them for a week.

7. I kid. A lot. Sometimes.

And so, without further ado, here are seven links. Hopefully we’ll see some good stuff from these folks soon.

~~BoDhI dReAmInG~~
The Eight Directions
Irrepressible Angst
Nineteen Sixty Eight
Not2
original remixed
Pink Italics

And that’s that.

It ended a week ago yesterday. Two days early for me as I decided I’d had enough. I won’t go into details. I’ll just say that this film was hands down the worst experience of my life.

A friend who also worked on this and I were talking one night and I related it to being bullied as a kid. As in those situations, it’s not like this situation was life or death. You can easily stop what happening just by standing up for yourself but you don’t – and that’s what hurts you. It’s not the things that other people do to you. It’s that you let them do these things. The fact that you let yourself be abused eats at your humanity.

I spoke with many people on the set who felt the same way. Phrases like “I don’ deserve this” and “never again” were bandied about frequently but now that it’s over everyone is talking about it in glowing terms, talking about how they can’t wait for the next one.

All I can do is shake my head, chuckle and wonder. I have to imagine that the afterglow has gotten to them. The bruises have healed and they only hear, “Ike loves you baby,” and so they swoon. Personally, I’m just happy to be back to real life. A steady job. Dogs to play with. A granddaughter to help raise. A loving wife to cuddle up to.

As for film making, I had an interesting conversation with one of the producers after a particularly grueling day. We talked about the desire for personal cinema. Movies that people make for themselves, inviting everyone else to come along for the ride if they like. Wouldn’t it be nice to see more films like this? Movies that weren’t made with a goal of being this summer’s big blockbuster but rather with the singular goal of telling a story. And not the same story that has been told countless times by countless people.

That’s where I’ve wanted to be all along. Small simple films that focus on telling a story. I don’t usually make New Year’s Resolutions but I do have one this year. I’m only doing my own work from now on. I’ve partnered up with a guy who is of the same mind and we have some good stuff planned for 2008.

So is that what there was to learn from this? Not quite. I already knew that Hollywood is not where it’s at for me. I already knew that real life was more important to me than the big show. I already knew what I wanted out of film making. So just what was there to learn here?

I deviated from my path. I chose a different road because it looked like it had been newly paved. It was a bad road, through a seedy section of town. Bad things happened there and when I got off that road, I was a little worse off. But I learned that I could have seen those bad things coming - in fact, I did see them coming - and could have avoided them.

My practice fell off in the days before the project started and was non-existant while it was going on. On one hand, it probably would have helped. On the other hand, I don’t think there was any knowledge that I didn’t already have that would helped in this situation. I knew what I needed to do but knowing what to do means nothing. It’s all about what you actually do.

I learned that Jiminy Cricket was right. “Always let your conscience be your guide.”

So with all the goings on involved in this film project I haven’t felt much like blogging about it. My time has been split pretty much evenly between working on it and bitching about working on it.

I went nuclear on the line producer this weekend. It was basically a matter of me saying, “I’ve had it and I want out,” and him calming me down and convincing me I didn’t. I think he was about 65% right. Honestly, I do want out but I’d be a fool to pass this up. I know that if I don’t do this, I’ll always wonder what I missed. I should be able to let that go but I can’t. Not yet anyway.

The one good thing that has come out of all of this is that it’s really made me appreciate my own work. Having had the opportunity to see how professionals do it, I now know two things. First, I know that my work stands up to theirs. Probably not from a box office perspective – which, if the various remakes and threequels are the standard against which I’m to be measured, isn’t breaking my heart – but certainly from an obviously subjective quality standard. Second, I know that I’d be infinitely happier making the films that I make on meager budgets, not losing any money and being proud of the work that I do than doing what amounts to volunteer work and going through this kind of stress circus to help someone else realize a dream that is purely monetary-based.

Do I sound bitter? Unfortunately, I think I am and that is not the fault of anybody involved with this film. It’s my fault and mine alone. I got involved with this project for the wrong reasons and now I’m not happy that it has not turned out the way I hoped. Was I made some false promises? Sure. Should I have seen those promises for what they were or more precisely did I and choose to pretend that I didn’t? Yes. I saw a shiny object and I gleefully picked it up. I should know better.

The obvious thing to do would have been to meditate on the decision first. Had I been mindful,  truly mindful, I could have seen this coming. It’s not like it was well-hidden. Of course, had I done that, I would have turned the job down and would have missed out on some great lessons about myself. Besides, this is no time for regret. No time for”should have”.

I have found one nice little diversion from the nightly beatings that have become my work on this project. When I get home from my regular job, I’ve got an inbox full of emails that must be answered. I start responding to them all and before I’m done, I start getting responses to my responses. After a couple of hours, I get to the point where I get five or ten minute breaks between emails. When that happens, I turn on my Wii and fire up Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07. I pick a course – often Pebble Beach because it reminds me of home – and play 18, sometimes 36, holes. Every time my computer beeps to let me know I have a new email, I put my hand up to indicate they must wait for me to finish the hole.

There is no “them” in Wii.

Fortunately, two weeks from today it will all be over. Even if this goes exceedingly well, it will be fortunate that it will be over. I need to get back to a place in my life that doesn’t involve these people and this film. A place that is about my wife and my kids and my granddaughter and the only true film career I have. The one I make for myself.

Which brings up another point. I have a friend that I make films with. He’s the one that I mentioned last time that turned down the chance to work on this film. I’m looking forward to getting back to working with him. When it comes to making films, he and I seem to be of an almost singular mind. We have a new project in mind for the summer that we both think will be very special. The kind of film we like to make. The kind of work we can be proud of. That sounds like perfection right about now.