The Final Days of the Stress Circus

So with all the goings on involved in this film project I haven’t felt much like blogging about it. My time has been split pretty much evenly between working on it and bitching about working on it.

I went nuclear on the line producer this weekend. It was basically a matter of me saying, “I’ve had it and I want out,” and him calming me down and convincing me I didn’t. I think he was about 65% right. Honestly, I do want out but I’d be a fool to pass this up. I know that if I don’t do this, I’ll always wonder what I missed. I should be able to let that go but I can’t. Not yet anyway.

The one good thing that has come out of all of this is that it’s really made me appreciate my own work. Having had the opportunity to see how professionals do it, I now know two things. First, I know that my work stands up to theirs. Probably not from a box office perspective – which, if the various remakes and threequels are the standard against which I’m to be measured, isn’t breaking my heart – but certainly from an obviously subjective quality standard. Second, I know that I’d be infinitely happier making the films that I make on meager budgets, not losing any money and being proud of the work that I do than doing what amounts to volunteer work and going through this kind of stress circus to help someone else realize a dream that is purely monetary-based.

Do I sound bitter? Unfortunately, I think I am and that is not the fault of anybody involved with this film. It’s my fault and mine alone. I got involved with this project for the wrong reasons and now I’m not happy that it has not turned out the way I hoped. Was I made some false promises? Sure. Should I have seen those promises for what they were or more precisely did I and choose to pretend that I didn’t? Yes. I saw a shiny object and I gleefully picked it up. I should know better.

The obvious thing to do would have been to meditate on the decision first. Had I been mindful,  truly mindful, I could have seen this coming. It’s not like it was well-hidden. Of course, had I done that, I would have turned the job down and would have missed out on some great lessons about myself. Besides, this is no time for regret. No time for”should have”.

I have found one nice little diversion from the nightly beatings that have become my work on this project. When I get home from my regular job, I’ve got an inbox full of emails that must be answered. I start responding to them all and before I’m done, I start getting responses to my responses. After a couple of hours, I get to the point where I get five or ten minute breaks between emails. When that happens, I turn on my Wii and fire up Tiger Woods PGA Tour ‘07. I pick a course – often Pebble Beach because it reminds me of home – and play 18, sometimes 36, holes. Every time my computer beeps to let me know I have a new email, I put my hand up to indicate they must wait for me to finish the hole.

There is no “them” in Wii.

Fortunately, two weeks from today it will all be over. Even if this goes exceedingly well, it will be fortunate that it will be over. I need to get back to a place in my life that doesn’t involve these people and this film. A place that is about my wife and my kids and my granddaughter and the only true film career I have. The one I make for myself.

Which brings up another point. I have a friend that I make films with. He’s the one that I mentioned last time that turned down the chance to work on this film. I’m looking forward to getting back to working with him. When it comes to making films, he and I seem to be of an almost singular mind. We have a new project in mind for the summer that we both think will be very special. The kind of film we like to make. The kind of work we can be proud of. That sounds like perfection right about now.